"Marriage is just a piece of paper." These are the words I found myself muttering as I was faced with questions surrounding my long term relationship when I was all of 20. I had been in a serious relationship for a couple of years, and to my surprise I did not want to get married and couldn't ever see it happening.
All of my life I had dreamed of the pretty dress and things like guest lists and registries for mountains of things I didn't need . Not to mention the glorious song that "we" would dance our first dance to. A child of the 80s I must admit that at one point, all of my wedding daydreams involved growing up to marry Han Solo or Prince, but for some reason, now I didn't, and no Tuskin Raider or Little Red Corvette could change my mind.
I had been exposed to the same endearing, and at times, down-right nauseating diamond engagement ring commercials that everyone else had, which either left me repulsed or sobbing. I am not sure when the change happened, but somewhere and somehow I had shifted my dreams of being princess Leia in a white flowing gown to being a college girl , holding her own and running--screaming--from eternal commitment.
Around this time I began to become more politically involved. I boycotted T.V., let my leg and underarm hair flow freely, rejected make-up, and devoted much of my time to volunteering at GLBT centers and doing outreach. While becoming happy and being confident in my own skin, I was becoming more and more angry at society and felt at times as though I was fighting the injustices of the world alone. I was compulsively recycling and composting and snickering at Wal-Mart and everyone who drove an SUV. For me, it seemed as though lessening my ecological footprint was also lessening my faith in humanity. I also started to question my own beliefs and asked myself what exactly I was fighting for. I remember at one point I attended a beautiful wedding. It was highly commercial, but ultimately, the couple did it for all the reasons you should--for love. It was a magnificent ceremony that had everyone in tears. As they left for their honeymoon, all I could think of was how I would be boycotting marriage until the day that all couples could have the same right.
These issues were and still are extremely important to me. For all of us who are activists we become accustomed to the feeling of sacrifice. It's hard to remember to be true to yourself at times when you give up so much to try to make the world better. There comes a time however, when giving your all is not as productive as living your all.
Being an absolute optimist, the pain of hating the world was weighing down upon me and it felt like I was trying to sprint through molasses. I feared that a dampened spirit could eventually mean certain death for my activism. It is amazing what long drives--wasting TONS of gas--and 7-11 coffee can do, but alas--out of my desperation came complete reclamation.
I began to embrace all that I had been immediately dismissing. I realized how much my politically correctness had de-romanticized by existence. I loved pink, so why was I opting for earthy browns to avoid being a stereotypical pink loving girl? Do I really hate Wal-Mart and Starbucks that much--I mean--geezus, they have readily available vegan food for the masses who would otherwise never ever find it. I started cooking a lot. I started creating vegan versions of all the mainstream foods I could think of to entice my friends to embrace animal rights by tugging at their belly strings, and it became a complete obsession. I realized that leading by example, for me, would be a far more powerful form of activism than my previous self-righteous persona of extreme extremism.
When I thought I had it all sorted, that I was finally living true to myself and making the world better by being me, I was reminded of marriage and how I couldn't really decide what, after all these years that I thought of it now. Politics, expectations, and bride-zillas aside, I was finally able to remember that I believed in love and that love too was a part of my activism in this life.
Marriage is not something I need to hate on because I am a feminist, as in our time, in the society in which we live, it is no longer a singing over of our civil rights when we sign the dotted line. We can keep our names or invent a new one, should we choose. To me, marriage is not an expectation, a financial merger, the "next logical step", or even a piece of paper. It can be whatever you choose it to be. For me it is the joining of souls, or the rejoining of souls who have always known each other. Standing up before the universe to say, "Fie on you for all of your hate and all of your injustice--our love is unbreakable and together we are more powerful than we are apart."
Whatever you decide to do with your life, I implore you to be passionate and to know why you do what you do. Simply checking the button to vote "entirely republican" "democrat" or "whatever party" may be simple, but you won't ever own that vote. If the world comes crashing down because of a mindless tick box you made, you will never be able to explain why. You can express your love for pink, zombies, and princess wedding gowns all while sipping your soy latte from Starbucks and dreaming of dancing with your love to your song on your wedding day--moments before you leave for a day passing out leaflets about the hideous ways that KFC tortures their chickens. Sometimes this can change the world more than scowling at Wal-Mart as you drive by praying for a meteorite.
<3
And then the obvious question, although it wasn't the point you were trying to make, Did you ever marry? What do you think of it (marriage)?
If people marry for reasons that truly, madly, and deeply matter to them, then I am all for it. If people marry because they feel societal pressures and a longing to have a big party with a big white dress because all of their friends are doing it, then I vote no. That said, I also believe that if you are going to be adamantly opposed to marriage, you should have equally as strong convictions, and not merely broadcast disapproval because your group of friends is hating on it or if it seems to be a cool thing to do to prove how "liberated" you are.
We all are very quick to throw a thousand labels on or off of ourselves. To say "I'm vegan, a feminist, environmental, and pro-choice" it seems spot on to just add "anti-marriage" into the mix of my canvass bag filled with my organic veggies, but it's simply not the case.
My hope in writing a blog like this is to encourage people to break out and to be passionate about what is in their hearts. Regardless if it seems to be a contradiction of the way society perceives you.
As to if I ever got married, the answer is no. Or should I say, not yet. Because I believe so passionately in bonding myself to my soulmate, to be a united, unstoppable force in this crazy world, that feeling obviously needs to be reciprocated by the one who is willing to stand by my side for all eternity. If it never happens, then settling for something less is just not going to cut it. <3
Mylie, I find your insights very intersting and I agree with most of your views on marriage. But, what would you say to those of us (I say 'us' assuming I am not alone in this thought, eventhough I have never met anyone with the same experience)who have never had a thought of wanting to get married. What I mean is I never fantasised about marriage as a kid, and it wasn't until I was in college that I dicovered that most young girls did 'dream' about their wedding day. There are times now when I think about the idea, but it doesn't appeal to me and never has. I have thought long and hard about marriage for many reasons it is not for me. And I hate that some of my friends want me to justify my choice to them like it is wrong or strange, or think I am going to change my mind. I am anti-marriage for me!
I would say that your friends should never make you justify your choice simply to not be married, unless of course you are running about town ridiculing them for their choices and copping a self-rightous attitude, slitting their tires, hiding their wedding cake at their wedding, etc...
If it's your personal choice, honestly who you are and what you want in life, then I see no reason to justify anything. You shouldn't have to justify your choice in not doing the nuptials anymore than you would justify your choice of radio station or flavour of jelly.
It's a personal preference and the world needs to get over it, as you are surely not grilling your friends as to why they ARE walking down the aisle.
After all, soulmates are soulmates.
Sometimes your soulmate has all the qualities that you don't have, leaving you frozen and on fire and the same time--like a burning cold puzzle.
Sometimes your soulmate is exactly like you and you mirror eachother's thoughts and dreams (and freaky dances and lip syncs and air guitar skills).
If you and your soulmate's dreams are mirroring and they involve other levels of committment than marriage, then I cannot think of greater bliss for you and you certainly would have found something that many people never do--love for the sake of love.
Those who bow to expectations and take "the plunge" for no good reason may extinguish their opportunity to ever have it.